The Complexities of Moving a Marriage
Couple at the beach
Any expat couple who has watched their life’s treasures being wrapped and double wrapped for protection during a relocation would do well to stop for a moment and wonder: why is their relationship – which is also being transferred – not being equally safeguarded against breakage?
Most couples simply don’t consider that their relationship is also being shipped to a new country where the impact of a variety of pressures and shocks can take a heavy toll, often leading to a divorce court.
Anecdotal evidence (because there isn’t much else when it comes to moveable marriages) would indicate that many expat marriages simply don’t survive a relocation.
In a survey I conducted as research for my latest book, A Moveable Marriage: Relocate Your Relationship without Breaking It, almost half of the people contacted admitted they had not given their relationship much thought in the moving process. The reason?
“Before they relocate, couples tend to focus on the externals of the move, such as where they will live, what schools their children will attend, or where they will buy groceries,” says Dixie Wilson, who works in the Employee Assistance Program for the Houston-based energy company ConocoPhillips.
“They entirely ignore the internal challenges, so many of which are the keys to the successful relocation of a relationship. They are in complete denial about the changes which lie ahead for their marriage,” says Wilson, who believes a renegotiation of the marriage agreement needs to be undertaken if a couple is going to understand each other’s needs during relocation.
Among other things, that means understanding the role each partner will play in the relocation in the first instance, and later, in building a new life together abroad. Often, from a working spouse’s perspective, the pressure on the non-working spouse in a new city or country can appear minimal because it is often attached to trivial matters.
“Right after a move, feelings of disorientation and isolation are usually brought to light by something such as a woman not being able to find a mop in a new city or even knowing what store would sell one, how to get there or how to ask for it,” according to London-based marriage therapist Phyllis Adler.
“The lack of control and power this represents is not easily conveyed. Talking about it can be tedious and boring to a working spouse who is busy trying to reorganise a multimillion-dollar division of a company,” says Adler. She adds that the situation can be much worse for a couple who have had no experience of moving and have not done any preparation.
“In that case, the couple may not even be aware of what they are feeling, beyond increased levels of confusion and discomfort. Relationships are not ‘manageable’ in the way companies are manageable, so a marriage can’t operate like a business.”
Using the language of business is sometimes not a bad way for couples to communicate about the relocation. An expat wife relocating to Latin America, for instance, told me that the only way she could communicate her own needs to her working partner was by using non-emotional, matter of fact, case-in-point scenarios.
“I did everything short of break out an overhead projector and flowchart!” she confessed.
And how has the idea of a move abroad been raised in the first place? Within the answer to that question lies a possible key to understanding how a moveable marriage can develop tense dynamics in its early days; if a woman feels coerced into a move, or says “yes” when she really means “no”.
So here a few quick tips to keep the marriage on track during a relocation:
Think like a team: A team sticks together through thick and thin. Sit down with your partner to ask one another about individual goals and to set common objectives for yourselves as a couple or perhaps, as a family. Listening to each other’s hopes and dreams can be a positive experience if you create a sense that you’re both working towards the same end and want to support the other in achieving his or her goals.
Regularly engage in “end of the day” conversations: these conversations help partners feel connected to each other, but pick a time that’s suitable for your family. So often, in the process of moving, couples aren’t aware that an “emotional disconnect” is building a wall that will grow higher with each passing day if neither partner attempts to scale it.
Finally, in order to restore and maintain harmony when a relationship moves, it helps to be knowledgeable about the emotional part of the relocation – all the ups and downs. Otherwise, the moving boxes may be emptied and the household goods put away, but a couple’s feelings for each other may be left out in the cold.
This is reprinted by kind permission of www.expatexpert.com where you will find similar useful articles and expat information
I really found the article interesting. I do have some experience in this area.
However, I disagree with a few details.
It’s true that so many partners are so totally unaware of life in another country that they fail to take into consideration how their weaknesses of adapting to another country will negatively affect their marriage. Many times this is due to sheer ignorance of international living and a woefully underdeveloped idea and knowledge of foreign cultures.
However, for the smart ones that have conquered the above, I really believe that couples do in fact consider that their relationship is being shipped to another country, but they simply don’t talk about it with each other – they keep it under wraps. I’m not even sure if both partners hope for the best. In many instances, one of the partners is looking forward to more freedom from the partner, and hopes that this hunger for freedom doesn’t hurt the relationship too much as to cause a catastrophe or heartbreak – yet they know deep inside that maybe there is a strong chance for infidelity. Therefore, a partner can be torn inside as being an expat can even be a substitute for getting a divorce. So, obvously, the relationship needs to be optimal before leaving, and this is one of the reasons why expat relationships have failed – they did not have a great partnership to begin with.
I also believe that couples are totally aware of the potential problems, yet ignore them, because they have hidden agendas that they don’t talk about, they don’t want to be ridiculed or criticized, or they are not in any position to divorce prior to the move. This is obvious if it’s just one partner that wants the move. I know a few couples where the wife wanted so bad to get out of the States that she was willing to hide the unhappiness in her marriage prior to leaving, because the husband was instrumental to financing the move. Without him, she would have neither the funds nor the courage to do it alone.
Related to the above, is the fact that while a couple may want to be expats, each partner has profoundly different reasons why they want to go, masked by superficial commonalities. For example, discovering a new culture or unhappiness with US policies could be a superficial commonality, and the man finding Argentina women hotter and sexier than his wife is a profound reason he would never profess to her. This common hunger for both to leave supercedes everything else, and any weakness in the marriage will be ignored and only addressed once the move takes place, because both want out of their present lives so bad, and both want to change their lives so bad that they need each other to complete the process.
I will end with a couple of simple examples. Husband goes to Brazil for a business trip. He is not attracted to his wife anymore. He finds Brazilian women totally sexy and hot. He has an affair with a couple of women during his business trips. He obviously hides it from his wife. His company finally transfers him to Sao Paulo. He wishes his wife was more like sexy Brazilian women. He knows that there will be a great risk of infidelity and divorce once his wife is in Brazil with him, but he still loves his wife, and he can’t say “honey, I’m leaving you here in the States, because I want to pursue love affairs with some Brazilian women”. He may also have kids that he has to help support, and it would be difficult to for him to be there for them if he leaves them in the States. The man won’t divorce prior to leaving, because even if he knows there is a high risk of infidelity, he still wants the security of marriage just in case he is unable to find a partner with whom he would cheat on his wife. In the end, the opportunity is there – he cheats on his wife. Hundreds of times. Wife has also had trouble adapting to life in Brazil. She feels inadequate. She discovers the affair, and she moves herself back to the States with the kids. She divorces her husband, and the husband marries the Brazilian woman.
Believe me, this happens so many times. It happened to me.
Another example that happened to my female friend. She thought her marriage was a failure, but stayed with the husband because of the kids. She manipulated him to move to France with her (she had an Irish passport), because she had a dream of living in Paris. She knew that the relationship was at risk, but her desire to live in France trumped her knowledge that if she stays in the States, she would most certainly file for divorce. He also was bored in the relationship, and figured a change might help infuse some passion and energy into the relationship as they shared common experiences of living overseas – although he was very skeptical (and he kept that to himself). In the end, his inability to adapt financially to the situation while she started a thriving business only further alienated the couple. One day, the employed wife came home to their Parisian apartment where the unemployed husband was supposed to be. She found him in bed with the Colombian cleaning lady. Divorce was next, and both still live in France. She as a perennial middle-age single woman and business owner raising the kids. He married the Colombian cleaning lady and does odd jobs as an illegal worker, while he waits for a resident card. He would prefer to move his bride back to the States, but he feels obliged to stay close to the kids – plus he is starting to get used to being unemployed and actually starts to enjoy the free time he gets instead of going to the office everyday.
I have similar story but substitute China for Brazil.
My family did not survive a relo to China. We made the decision together with the plan of saving money to remodel our house, give our children an excellent education, learn a second language, etc. It was OUR decision together. with our children being the primary reason. My mistake is that I researched everything but marriage issues related to expat life especially in China. Though I knew if I didn’t relocate the marriage would not likely survive.
In the end the alcohol, extra money, expat status, and temptations proved to be fatal to the family and career.
After a year of finding evidence after evidence of cheating and supporting prostitutes including providing housing and monthly living expenses I made the call to the company. We were relocated back and husband has been reassigned to states.
I used to thing my first mistake was letting my husband relocate to China one month before me and the boys arrived. Enough time to sample the Asian temptations. Within days of my arrival he announced that we were no longer married and I could do whatever I wanted to do. He had checked out of the marriage before I arrived. This was a HUGE shock to me. I never saw it coming. This coming from a man who was jealous when other men looked at me. A faithful man who prided himself on that. I always trusted him because he was so prideful that he would never cheat. Now, I tend think he had it planned all along. His reason for becoming an expat was all about the women.
The counselor who approved our international assignment had serious concerns about my husband due to his drinking and our past marriage problems (that we had mended). But, we were approved with reservations from the counselor.
I stuck it out for a year trying to fix and mend the marriage. By the end of the year he was in a serious relationship with a prostitute who he met on a business trip.
I regret that there wasn’t an intervention from the company counselors or HR or something. The EAP provided me some support but not enough. He even threatened to kill me and did break my shoulder. The company was notified (not by me) but they didn’t do anything but counsel me long distance.
It’s as hard being back in the states, as it was being there knowing he was with another woman. But, I sometimes wish I had sucked it up and we stayed for the children’s educational opportunities. I don’t know anymore… the pain is almost too much. I feel a lot of guilt. I guess I had my selfish reason for being an expat… my children’s education and no serious financial worries.
I now hear from others he is looking for another assignment in China. It hurts beyond words that he is so willing to throw away his boys and family so easily just so he can live in fantasyland.
If we had relocated to England or Australia would this have happened?
I actually thought relocating the relationship would actually bring us closer together, not destroy my family. Other than the marital issues I adjusted very well and was more than willing to spend the next twenty years in China.
I was also a expat in brazil thats marriage fell apart. 30 years of marriage and various expat locations. We saw this happen to others while living aboard. We had moved from one south american country to brazil. First few months were fine. I returned to the states to visit my grandchildren. While I was gone a 20 something younger woman came alone. Who is now his wife. It completely blinded sided me.
As an expat for these companies, they provide everything for you. I believe my ex became big headed with the fact that a younger woman was interested in him. He also had a very big position in the company. Which he felt gave him power. He turned into someone that I no longer knew. He drank more, and felt he was missing out on life. The life of running around with younger people, I guess he forgot to look in the mirror. His plans for retirement have now been put on hold. As the divorce cost him in alot. And the new wife has cost him alot. He showed her he had money and she came to expect it. We had saved for what we thought was be a great retirement. He lost his job with that company and went without work for awhile.
Last I heard he was broke.
These companies don’t give a flip when it comes to this. They don’t care what happens to families. My ex told me our marriage had been bad for years. which I have to wonder if that was so, why did you move me around the world.
I wonder if he still feel young now.
Many good comments and points in this article and the comments. But I notice a lack of discussion on the issue of committment. When a couple are contemplating such a drastic impact on their family life, they need to reexamine their committment to each other. Did they mean it when they said “till death do we part” and “keeping to each other alone”. When getting all kinds of counsel on the financials of the move, etc., they should also probably get some good solid counsel on the condition of their relationship.