10 Things I Will Not Miss About South America
South America – don’t miss it
I love South America, it has a vibrancy to it that I’ve never felt before. It has a way of taking hold of you, and pushing you to places you never imagined you’d go. I’ve now spent a year wandering its cities, jungles, and mountains, and although there are a thousand things I will miss, there are only 10 things that I won’t.
1. Speed Bumps
I understand the concept of speed bumps, they slow vehicles down in areas where vehicles should be traveling at a slow, cautious pace (places such as playgrounds, schools, and busy residential areas). But this concept only really works if people actually slow down for them. In South America, in particular Ecuador and Colombia, the roads are studded with speed bumps every 150 or so meters. The drivers find every means of getting around the bumps without actually bumping, or slowing down. And the drivers that do slow down only do so at the last minute with a heavy foot to the break; then as soon as the front tires are past the bump the heavy foot switches to the gas sending the back end, along with anyone sitting in the back seat, flying up into the air. Listen South America, you have millions of police officers on the street, if they enforced a ticket instead of taking a bribe, maybe there would be no need for the bone rattling speed bumps that have become the bane of my existence.
2. Being scared of lettuce
The Lettuce in Latin America is rarely cleaned, and if it is cleaned it’s cleaned with water from the sink which can be laden with bacteria and parasites (with the exception of Chilean water which is generally clean). Lettuce can’t be peeled and, thus, must either be washed properly or avoided. Whenever a sandwich comes out one should peel the lettuce right off the bread and leave it on the side of your plate. In South America, lettuce can be more than a little bit dangerous; lettuce can be evil.
3. Bus rides
I’ve been in South America for 365 days as of today, one year. On average I’ve been on a bus every 2.15 days; which means I’ve spent 170 days at least partially on a bus. The average time I spend on the bus is 5.6 hours. Which means that this past year I’ve spent 952 hours on various buses from Colombia to Argentina. That’s nearly 40 complete 24 hour days. That’s over a month that I have spent staring out of a bus window at a world as if I was caged. It’s true that I don’t mind bus rides, you can sit and watch the world go by, but they do start to get old. It just takes one read of The Colombian Rodeo: Buses in South America to understand the two sides of the battle with buses; but I have to admit, I will enjoy spending sometime free off their wheels.
4. Restaurant food
It’s not the food, not at all. What I’m not going to miss is the process that is involved going to restaurants. Especially in Latin America there aren’t a whole lot of options for fast service. You end up spending at least an hour waiting for nearly every meal: breakfast, lunch, and supper. The process is so nauseating at times I have skipped meals just so that I won’t have to deal with it. I am really looking forward to a time where I can just reach into my fridge and pull out a couple slices of meat, some cheese, and some veggies, then attach it to some bread with some mayo and have a sandwich in 5-10 minutes. The time involved in waiting in restaurants combined with my time in buses doesn’t leave much free time for other things.
5. Toilets without toilet seats
I’m not sure why they do this in Latin America, but quite often I’ve encountered perfectly put together toilets that are lacking the lid and seat. I have my ideas for the reasons, they don’t want people using them to drop a deuce, for one, or maybe it’s because they want to give men with a wayward hose a bigger bull’s eye to aim at. To any extent, men may have found the perfect excuse as to why they haven’t put the seat down: there isn’t one.
6. Being treated as a dollar sign
I think that this has probably happened everywhere I have traveled, so maybe it’s not a complaint against South America, but tourist destinations in general. But anyone who has ever tried to walk through the famous plaza in Cusco, Peru without being hassled has failed miserably. They approach you in turn selling everything from massages to Inca-dressed finger puppets. “No” has never been accepted as an answer in Cusco either. Generally the follow-up answer to no is “why not?” Even if you say you don’t have any money, they’ll gladly show you where the nearest ATM is located. Truth be told, I’m not sure that there’s an answer they would take and leave peacefully with.
7. Slow Internet
With the Exception of Chile, the internet is embarrassingly slow everywhere I go. I understand that the internet might not be up to the same capabilities as we have in North America, but I just want to put a couple pictures up on Facebook, I shouldn’t have to shrink them. Also, I love my sports, and love streaming them live online. But this is in possible, and instead my sports events look more like robotic basketball.
8. Lack of hockey, or anything non-soccer related
Other than the Olympic gold medal game – do I need to remind the Americans how it went – I haven’t heard, seen, or read a word about hockey. I knew how to skate before I knew the difference between your and you’re, it’s in my blood. Please give me my hockey back!
9. Where’s my Guinness??
I love a nice pint of beer, any kind really. But nothing beats a nice pint of that black magic poured properly right out of the tap. In South America lagers are a plenty, but any dark beer tends to have a nutty or sweet taste. I need a Guinness please!
10. I need proper cheese please!
In our supermarkets back home there are aisles just for dairy products. They are lined with cheese of all kinds. In South America, your choice of cheese is narrowed down to cheese in a package or cheese that’s been sitting out. The white spongy cheese tastes like rubber, and I’ll never miss that.
Brendan writes a great blog, which anyone interested in travel should definitely take a look at and follow.
Great insights, great posts, great photography! www.brendansadventures.com. You can also find him on Twitter at @Brendanvanson.
This article first appeared on Expat Daily News South America
what’s the point of going to foreign countries if all you want is mcdonalds.
it’s the differences that make the trip a pleasure. the only thing we’re in agreement about is #6.
on your next excursion try to assimilate instead of complaining about it not being like america.
I’m Canadian… and I’m not complaining I’m driving home the fact that you can love things and immerse yourself in them, but after a while things can wear on you. I’ve also made posts like this about what annoys me of home, and that list is much more forceful that this one.
Another I’d add another to your list Brendan:
11. Being called “norteamericano”… I’d almost prefer gringo! What about the Mexicans and Canadians?? I guess Americans are the only “North Americans” that count for your average suramericano. Perhaps an elementary geography class is in order.
The argument is that South American’s are “American’s” too, but we’re not telling Colombians or Ecuadorians what to call themselves. I figure they perceive our use of American as “you other South American guys don’t count.” (Perhaps some truth to that through the lens of our foreign policy for decades) In reality it’s just that there isn’t another way to say it in English, but the US can be an exceedingly patriotic and our hegemony / twisted history in Latin America is bound to cause some resentment. In Spanish I can work with it as “estadounidense” which seems to appease, yet that word does not exist in English and it might piss off the Estados Unidos Mexicanos… Too much political correctness if you ask me.
But what if the America’s had been named after Cristobal Colon instead of Amerigo Vespucci? Perhaps we’d be complaining to the United States of Colombia in the south…. naahh. ; ^ )
haha, suit yourself on the gringo one. For me that’s the worse, since I’m Canadian and the term is derived from the fact that Central American’s were telling the marines occupying their countries (wearing green) “Green GO!” For me, I don’t mind being called North American, because at least they are not calling me American. The reason they do that though, is because they feel like they are American as well. We are all in the Americas, so we are all American.
while I have only travled to Argentina.. I have been there 10 times in the past few years.
I found the internet fast, the supermarkets simliar to the Us and the tap water clean.
I have not found the salads dirty etc.. Could it be in other countries?
i stay in cap federal, or cordoba.
You’ve got that right… Argentina, Brazil and Chile are the exceptions. But I spent most of my time working through the poorer countries of Peru, Bolivia, Ecuador and Colombia. But you are right, the internet in Argy is FAST and the supermarkets are great as well.
just because you say the seat must be down, does not ever make it so. 50/50 or get your own and keep it.
until recently (100 years) females were legal property, so do not assume you rule the toilet room. LOL
The reason for the lack of toilet seats is quite simple: they cost extra. Seriously. Just like the reason you are lucky to see real toilet paper as opposed to sheets of newspaper or nothing at all. And in the stores rolls of toilet paper tend to be sold as single units. The notion of having a pantry or storage room full of extra items is something of a luxury in poor countries where many people buy the preparations for each meal one at a time. Buying full cases of products ala Sams Club or Costco is fine for mayoristas and large detallaristas but not for the average citizen.